Hudson Crew

Our infertility story is pretty uninteresting and not even very challenging compared to some I have heard about. But it was hard for me and my family. It brought many tears, sadness, loneliness, and questioning. But at the same time it also brought me to my knees and many prayers, trips to the temple, fasting, and lots of scripture study. At first Weston and I just kept it to ourselves but then when haylee started asking if I was going to ever have a baby we included her and her faith. Mine was sometimes too weak. She would pray every night for mommy to have another baby. When others started asking I would laugh it off like I didn't want anymore or pretend like I didn't hear their question. Sometimes I was strong, other times not so much. It was hard when it seemed everyone around me was pregnant. I also felt incredible guilt. So much guilt. After all I already had two beautiful kids. How could I be so selfish as to want more. But I did want more. So bad, I yearned for it. I know many people who have gone 3, 5, 8 years without any kids and so I felt more guilt that I already was able to experience motherhood. I wanted my kids to grow up with lots of siblings. I did and I loved being part of a big family. Sometimes I questioned why another spirit wouldn't want to come to our family. Was I a bad mom? Was the lord not pleased with me? It sounds silly but these emotions and thoughts are so real at the time. Little things were hard, like walking past the baby stuff in target, seeing the mother lounge at church, seeing newborns at the store. I just couldn't believe I wouldn't get to nurse a baby again or teach a baby how to walk. These thoughts were all consuming. It was always in the back of my mind. I lived my life in two week increments. Having a period, then two weeks later ovulation. Start over again. Through it all I knew Heavenly Father was very aware of me. After all I did pray about this day and night for two years, but I always felt comfort and peace. Our last August was going to be crazy. We were moving to Seattle, trying to find a place to live, selling our house, fell through, listing and selling again, a family reunion, moving to portland instead, and getting kids in new schools. I remember telling Weston we can't think about getting pregnant this month. It was hard after the past 25 months of trying to not worrying about it and putting it off. I felt like I was giving up and I never wanted to do that. But I had sooo many other things that were consuming that month, I did almost forget that I couldn't get pregnant. The first six months of trying I loved looking up due dates for if we were pregnant. I learned to stop doing that. I hadn't for about a year and a half. But a couple days after we moved I did look up a due date for if I was pregnant. The due date calendar according to my last cycle said I was due May 6! And my heart did a little flutter!! I knew I was pregnant. That was our anniversary. I don't know why I looked that up that particular night. Or how I knew I was pregnant! But I told Weston I was pregnant. I wasn't late or even taken a test but the spirit told me I was. I didn't over react because the mind can play horrible tricks on you and it had in the past but I was feeling excited and hopeful. One day late August I took haylee to meet her new first grade teacher at a new school. After, the kids were playing on the playground. I remember thinking I was one day late. I debated with my mind if I should take a test or not. I hated taking pregnancy tests then. I had taken probably 20 all being negative. It was painful!! I had to go to the grocery store on the way home. I walked down the aisle and picked up a test. I put it back telling myself this dumb, of course I'm not pregnant. I put it down and walked away. I went back grabbed it and paid before I could change my mind again. I had butterflies in my stomach the whole way home. I told myself I wouldn't test until tomorrow. Right when we got home I went in the bathroom and took the test. I put the test down, and looked at it. Nothing. I wasn't even sad, I knew better than to think I was pregnant. I washed my hands and then looked at it again. Tears came rolling down my face! Disbelief at what I was seeing! I was pregnant!! That little blue line brought so much happiness to me that day!!! I started screaming, being so overcome with gratitude and excitement. Hudson is almost three months old and I still think about that day all the time. We recently blessed Hudson and instead of pleading with Heavenly Father for him to come I now thank him everyday for the sweet spirit I get to hold in my arms!! Such a wonderful gift and I'm so thankful for the many lessons I learned.

21 weeks

22 weeks

24 weeks

25 weeks

31 weeks

37 weeks

He is here, finally here with us fresh from heaven!!!! 

I love how Weston is looking down at his three kids smiling! He works so hard for us and is a proud dad! This was hard for him too and we are both so grateful for our family, each other and our blessings!!